THE SALMON THEORY

How many times we have gone on a date and ended up wondering about what could have happened? In human relationships there is no feedback from our actions and much less when it comes to a love date where we want to be our best with the other person to see if something comes out from there.

After a date, if there is no call back, we begin to do our own feedback to understand what had happened; then we start to rethink on the date and come to the conclusion that if we had: «said this», or better «not having said it», or «having behaved in such a way», «if I had done this other thing», «if I would have acted in another way», etc. We begin to think about everything we «did wrong» in our date without taking into account that what we ended up wishing for it to work is to stop being ourselves. Which is impossible, since no one else is going to be able to be us and we can’t be anyone else. After a detailed account of our actions and decisions on the dates we are in, we end up sabotaging ourselves by not accepting us as we are, and we end up wishing we were someone else.

This is absurd.  Each of us know what we’re worth, so why make it cheaper? We offer ourselves at a lower price than what we are in reality, and then later we regret what happens to us with this or that person, as they say: «better be alone than with a terrible company».

The Salmon Theory is a theory that I have developed firsthand when I go out with other people. I began to realize that we all act different from who we are when we want to impress others. When we get rid of those harmful ideas that prevent us from being ourselves it is when things go sideways: it doesn’t mean that the relationship will be success because at some point or another your true self will come to light, and things will start to change.

«Times have changed», «things are no longer as they were before…», «women no longer need what they used to…», «men are in crisis…», etc. All of these comments come up in meetings to justify or try to understand why it’s so hard to find your «half orange,» or «your worst is nothing,» as if this is going to give us the key to happiness. This type of expression does not lead us to think that «there are no more fish in the sea» or that we are doing something wrong: we quote ourselves, we make ourselves difficult, we have other tastes, etc. So many comments fly to us and at the end of the day they leave us as we are, why does nobody want to go out with me? have times changed? should it stop being me? what’s wrong with me? Nothing, absolutely NOTHING. The problem isn’t you, it is just the other person’s loss.

The times and standards of beauty change,  but men and women have always been the same, we all want our relationships to work, but many times these false or created demands or needs lead us to think the worst of us. If we don’t look at the details we can get lost in things that are not worth it: happiness, love, company, loyalty, trust, fidelity, etc. These are the details that gets our attention, but we get distracted. We are worth more than a feeling, we are worth a whole love, why be content with a slice if we can have the whole orange?

What men want, what women want

To this I realize there are 3 things men want from women and 3 things women want from men, and both are natural desires we want, different but complementary:

Men has always wanted and will want 3 things from women and will be willing to give 3 things for the women they really love and the women will be willing to give those 3 things that men want and to receive those 3 things that men are willing to give for love. I speak of man and woman because boys and girls are people who are not willing to give everything in a relationship, since relationships consist of much more than a mere attraction, which is necessary but not the only thing.

The three things that men want from women are those very things that women are willing to give, because it is their nature, it is not something imposed or artificial, but it is what we really want to give and receive:

1. Unconditional love: a real woman is one who loves without limitations, without conditions and that you know that no matter what happens she will be there, day by day: «my love, I was out of work» and that she responds: «it does not matter, what I help you or I’ll get to work». That’s a woman who is truly dedicated.
2. Full trust: who really accepts you as you are, is someone to whom I could place your full trust to tell her whatever it is without being judged: «my love I just stole a bank» she will answer: «where are we going? I pack our bags». She’s a person who doesn’t make a judgment and knows what you need and is there to give it.
3. Intimacy: this can be said in many ways, since she is a woman with whom you can talk about feelings, passions, that you know listens to you without any interest other than yours. Men do not usually talk about their emotions and feelings with each other, instead women do it all the time (we are able to solve world’s problems sitting in a café). That’s why men need women to let off steam and women need men to solve their problems. Mom listens and Dad solves. In addition to being able to talk about yourself and your dreams, intimacy has a lot to do with sex, physical attraction counts a lot in these relationships, you will not want something more intimate with a person who does not attract you, it would be almost like kissing your brother or sister, how disgusting. We women can safeguard that intimacy much easier than a man, and we don’t mind giving.

Instead, women ask men for three things they want by nature, so just as men are willing to have a woman who guarantees them what they want, they must guarantee what we want:

1. Protection: for this, women must know that they can be protected from any danger, situation or circumstance that may harm them, this is why even women want someone who is physically bigger, that is, that they are not carried away by the wind (what is the use of you). On the other hand, men’s way of showing affection is by protecting women, so it’s a mutual feeling, and how does men protect it? Providing, giving things to ensure the safety of that person they want.
2. Provide– It’s part of the way men care for women, protecting them from anything they end up providing, not their whims but what it takes to know it’s okay. In this part we women love that they buy us things (you can earn 10 billion dollars a day, but to be invited a few fish and chips is the best thing that can happen to you in life), so much a woman when she goes to the movies and has to pay for her ticket, but he invites the popcorn, we conclude that it is love. We really love that they give us things, without having to ask for them, it’s a way in which we feel cared for and protected by them. Besides men love that, they are happy to steal a smile from women.
3. Pronounce words of reaffirmation: women constantly want to feel esteemed (men will think we are controlling and insecure) because we like nice words, the fact that they tell us that «we look good», that «we are skinny», that «we are not ugly», that «they think of us every day», it is the best thing that can happen to us (among friends all the time we do it even knowing ourselves beautiful).

Whether in a relationship or in a job, men and women need to feel confident in what we do, and part of that is reflected in courtship, marriage and work. If we do not consider these three options, it will be impossible for us to be sure of the performance we do.

Women and men are willing to give these three things that enrich their surroundings: loving relationships, friendships and work. Just as it is necessary to receive the three things for which we give what we have, no more and no less. 

Let’s go fishing!

Both men and women are fish like fishermen. Anyone who wants to catch a trout will look for trout, anyone who wants to catch salmon will catch salmon. For this we must be sure of who we are and what we want. It is thus that salmon is distinguished because it swims against the current, it is in exclusive places, one must be prepared to fish it (have a suitable rod to support its weight and strength, a bait that attracts it) since when fishing one is worth a lot, its meat is delicious and it is worth waiting from a month to a year to catch one. On the other hand, trout is not so hard to get, we find it anywhere, we do not need preparation (you can take any rod and bait) and you fish one after the other, but in real life they do not mean anything. The same thing happens to us when we go out on dates with other people. If you want to find someone worthwhile (salmon) you must look in specific places (weddings, museums, this conference, etc.), who wants trout will find it anywhere (den, bar, corner, etc.).

If you are salmon you want to fish salmon, because that person who is worth giving everything you have will also give you everything you want, but the relationship is unequal and some end up giving more than others. But if you want intimacy in exchange for providing, it’s a one-on-one relationship, very comfortable, that’s what we call prostitution. If we are salmon, we cannot be satisfied with what they give us, we have to demand as salmon, the whole package and not a part of it, for this we must accept ourselves as salmon and love ourselves as such in order to be able to be with one another.

If you are trout then do not demand as what you are not, so if you are a person for the time, trout away! Don’t ask for what you are not willing to give. For this you must recognize yourself as such and accept the consequences. Now you can stop being trout when we begin to mature and realize that we are worth more than just for a while, when we are willing to give the 3 things you want and receive the 3 things you want.

To go fishing it is necessary to have all accessories and the elements to find our fish. But what happens when salmon disguises itself as trout? This is that the salmon (woman) starts to despair and thinks that as trout (being something it is not) it will be lucky, then go out and catch trout (man)! Then he gets excited, the trout lowers the sun, the moon and the stars, confesses eternal love and tells him that he does not know tomorrow, but today they give everything, they give it to them and the next morning what happens? The salmon worries because they never call back, why? Because we gave him everything when he wasn’t willing to give it all because he’s salmon. The fault lies with the salmon, not the trout because it was the salmon who deceived, not the trout.

Now, what happens when trout (woman) disguises itself as salmon? What happens is that the salmon (man) they make plans with the trout and it turns out that he finds out that he has played with everyone. Both relationships, not being authentic and respecting what they are, lose everything because they are not themselves and end up hurt by the decisions they make. If you are a salmon do not despair, it is not you who is wrong, it is the others who cannot handle something so precious.

The end

This theory is about, knowing who you are and loving yourself so that you can look for that person who can love you as much as you love yourself. It is not about finding your «half orange» since you are not incomplete. Loving yourself makes you able to love another and share your full happiness with that other person without depending on them.

Nobody makes you the favour of going out with you, for pity or charity. On the contrary, people who go out with you because they find you an interesting person with whom they want to spend some time. It’s up to you to make it nice or not, but that’s not why you should be any other person. If you’re not a person capable of being with you, why would anyone else?